B-Y-A-K-U-GAHHH!
by Cavallo Alato
Summary: In which Neji wonders why he stays with Tenten, Lee is snarky, and Gai tries to give love advice. Naturally, Tenten tries to ward off everyone with her massive collection of shiny things. But, inevitably, keeping away Team Gai just isn't possible. Not to mention the rest of the K12. Series of short stories, NejiTen.
1. Super Creepers - Captain Obvious Brows

Hey! Due to the recent Naruto events (post-614), my old love for NejiTen has resurfaced!

Now, this is somewhat similar to Adventures of Obito, in that it's a series of short stories centered around...you know it, Neji and Tenten :'D

But then again, the rest of Team Gai has to be in there as well.

**Note: **Contains Naruto SD-like randomness (at times). Perhaps a random Orochimaru thrown in, you never know.

**Note 2:** Yes, NejiTen! I love them to bits, even though there is _absolutely no hints of this in the series!_ Yes. I know. Why, then? Why do I ship NejiTen and not NejiHina or LeeTen?! WHY?!

Well. They're ASDFHGINASFIGN ADORABLE TOGETHER. End.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto, or Naruto SD, because Neji is dead. And also, it was Lee who picked up Neji and cried "NEJIIII". If Naruto was mine, Romeo and Juliet would have nothing on Nejio and Tennette. Or something. =3=

Err...I hope it's interesting!

Ch. 1: In which Lee and Gai have their suspicions!

* * *

**Chapter 1: ****Super Creepers - Captain Obvious Brows**

If anything was to go wrong, it would definitely involve Lee and his youthfully overboard antics. In fact, it was almost a given on every mission nowadays. Either the green-clad boy would trip and fall face-first into the ground in front of the enemy, or he would have a revelation and declare it loudly to the world – announcing their current position to the enemies as well.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee cried, tears streaming from his eyes.

"Lee!" returned the frighteningly similar older version of Lee. The two portrayed their love of youth towards a manmade, cardboard sunrise prop-up set, poorly colored with crayons and markers (which don't go too well together). If anything, the two were only more animated by the inadequate backdrop.

"Lee, behold this beautiful sunrise that represents the glorious waxing of our youth!" proclaimed Gai in an utterly serious, dramatic voice. His already low tones dropped into a baritone hum as he began the start of a song that Neji and Tenten did not want to hear whatsoever. As soon as the first words of "Youth!" sprang from their sensei's lips, the two sane members of the group – as sane as one could be on Team Gai – discreetly covered their ears.

"YES GAI-SENSEI!" Lee was practically sobbing now, so touched was he by his teacher's momentous moment of song and poetry.

"Will you two just shut up?!" demanded Tenten angrily, glaring at both of them. A quick glance to the side revealed a very irritated Neji, an expression demonstrated on his face by the slight tic of his brow. The Hyuuga were known for their stoic, impassive faces, and Neji was no exception. His poker face was one that surpassed Hinata's by a long shot, and he certainly didn't turn the cherry shade of red she did when embarrassed. At least, not that Tenten knew of.

"Aww, Tenten, join us in our choir of youth!" chimed Lee, tugging her arm. He wrapped her in a bear hug and swung her in a circle, despite her loud protests. "SEE HOW YOUTHFUL WE ARE!"

Tenten inwardly groaned. On their own, Lee was still pretty boisterous and usually obnoxious, but he could also be rather sensible. Actually, he was pretty snarky. It wasn't rare to hear a smart remark slip from his mouth, accompanied by a smug smirk. And then he would casually slip back into his energetic demeanor, returning to a "youthful" form of teasing and cajoling.

However, when Gai-sensei graced them with his presence, Lee's springtime of youth was boosted to unimaginable, quite unbearable levels.

"TO THE VILLAGE GATES!" declared Gai, marching off in the wrong direction.

"TO THE VILLAGE GATES!" echoed Lee triumphantly.

"Tenten, we're going." Neji turned on his heel, adjusted the pack on his back, and went towards the village center. Call it common sense, but in Gai's team, common sense ran very low. Tenten feared that one day, she would wake up in a green jumpsuit and orange legwarmers, her eyebrows thickened to impossible proportions, without a single drop of sanity left. And it wouldn't be a dream.

Neji was not in a rush, but he had a long, purposeful stride, so Tenten had to jog to catch up with him. The Hyuuga's evident irritation at the two green beasts had subsided considerably now that they were out of sight and hearing.

"Hey, Neji, are they going to be okay?"

Neji gave her an exasperated look – a small, curt huff and a typical "hn" – before folding his arms. He didn't protest when Tenten wove her hand under his elbow to hold onto him lightly, but he cast a suspicious glance behind him.

"They went that way on purpose," he finally answered. "Just to see what we'd do."

Tenten unhooked her hand from his arms, her fingers brushing slightly against the hand tucked under his upper arm. Neji glared at the small series of shops behind them, and then at the picturesque copse of trees where the road split into two. Nothing was strange, and he sensed no presence, so they continued on their way. Tenten, however, was now warily eyeing their surroundings, sure that Lee and Gai were dressed up as shopkeepers trying to catch the secret couple. Then again, their disguises were usually so horrendous, one could tell it was them from a mile away.

"Young lady, you dropped something." A frail, grandmotherly woman shuffled up to Tenten, producing one of her scrolls from out of nowhere.

"Oh. Thank you, I hadn't realized that I dropped it," Tenten replied. She took the scroll gently, smiling at the old woman, before tucking it into her pack. They continued on their way, nothing special occurring, when Neji abruptly told her to pull out the scroll again.

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Tenten obeyed, showing the scroll to her partner.

"It's just the one that summons – wait, what are you doing?!"

Neji snatched the scroll from her and activated his Byakugan, a displeased frown on his face. Frowning probably counted as the only real expression that was not a stoic arch of his eyebrows in the Hyuuga book of facial expressions.

"What?" demanded Tenten, trying to grab the scroll back.

"Look." Neji slipped his thumb under the seal and slid the paper open. Instead of summoning tattoos –ones that he knew Tenten meticulously designed herself – through which she pulled out a myriad of weapons, in their place was a ridiculous picture made of crayons and markers, and an ominous message:

"_I see you!_"

The message itself was creepy, but the fact that it was created using the same crumbly crayons and dry markers as Lee and Gai's sunrise backdrop defeated its goal.

"It was that old lady!" hissed Tenten, grabbing her scroll. It had her name and her signature on its outer, thicker wrapping, but inside was nothing she had ever drawn. Certainly Lee and Gai had snuck into her room, somehow, and stolen one of her blank scrolls. The nerve! "They _never_ make good disguises! What the heck was that?!"

"Calm down, Tenten. It's not a big deal." Neji plucked the scroll from her fingers and tossed it in the garbage.

"My scroll!"

Neji sighed. Why was it that he could never deal with her, yet he stuck around anyway?

"I'll get you new ones," he mended.

"No," she argued, "you won't."

He raised a skeptical eyebrow – there were quite a few things Tenten found hard to resist, among those things were gummy bears, strawberry cheesecake, chocolate (and other sweets), shiny things, weapons, anything to do with dragons or dragon designs, and certainly, new scrolls.

"I won't?" he parroted, a smirk lifting his face into a condescending snigger.

"No, because," Tenten continued. She paused, contemplated. "You're going to buy me food."

Ah.

"After the mission," sighed Neji, crossing his arms again.

"Fine."

"Hn."

"Lee, I see you."

One green beast dressed in an old lady apron, followed by another green beast for some reason stuffed in a raccoon suit, crept out from behind the garbage can. The raccoon one, the bigger green beast, sneakily reached a paw into the garbage bag to retrieve his beautiful piece of artwork. It had sunflowers and daisies and Neji and Tenten scribbled onto it, so he definitely wanted to keep it.

"What?" asked Lee innocently, slyly pulling the grandma wig off his head.

"Hakke Rokujyuu Yonshou!"

"Soshouryuu!"

* * *

Please tell me if anyone is OOC. Seriously, I have no idea how to write NejiTen (there's stuff in my computer, but it's either a plot-no-jutsu backfire or just rambling and blobs of what I consider fluff. Oh well. It worked better in my head.)

Comments? Concerns? Naruto SD?! (like that ending, haha)

Anyway. . .

How does one write NejiTen well?! /flail


	2. Crime Lab - Decoding Stupidity

This one's long...whoaaaa.

Anyway, adventures of Team Gai! Plus unfortunate NejiTen. Enjoy...I hope.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto, because poor Neji was lying on the ground whilst Naruto turned everyone into mini-Kyuubis. Though I'm rather happy that episode 296 showed Mito, even if it was just once. :)

**Warning: **Swearing. The word _fuck_ appears, which is rare for me, because I hardly ever swear. If you can tell, I was angry, so I sat down and typed to relieve stress. So this beginning is the result of a pissed author trying to convey a pissed Tenten. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 2: ****Crime Lab - Decoding Stupidity**

"And this little piggy went _all the way_ to—"

_Kill me now_.

"But the Big Bad Wolf took a deep breath, and he huffed, and he _puffed_, and he—"

_Why me?_

"—blew that straw house down!"

Cue collective gasp from group of children.

"And so the _two_ little piggies went—"

_Just because I'm a _girl_ doesn't mean I can read stories to little kids. Without killing anyone._

"This time, the piggies' house was made of _wood!_"

_Wood, wood, First Hokage, Yamato-taichou, wood, angry, I hate little kids, Lee would love little kids, why doesn't Lee read to the little kids?! WHERE THE HELL IS LEE?!_

"But the Big Bad Wolf—"

_Seriously, if I drop F-bombs in the middle of this story, you can blame Lee!_

"—took a deep breath, and he huffed, and he _puffed_, and he—"

_Fucking blew the fucking house down, like the piece of garbage it was! Why wouldn't you just build a house out of freaking airtight high security metal, if you're going to go through so much trouble?! See if the fucking wolf can blow it down _then!

"—blew the house in!"

Neji watched the corner of Tenten's right eye twitch, and when she viciously spat out "_puffed!_", he knew that she had had it. She was probably going to snap at any moment, but Neji could do very little to help. After all, if he read the story, things would probably go down even worse, and he'd receiving a heavy berating from Gai. He didn't want to sit in front of his sensei for an hour, so he contemplated an escape plan.

" 'Little pig, little pig, let me come in,' the Big Bad Wolf said then," Tenten read in a mock growl. The children squealed in terror at Tenten's Big Bad Wolf voice. The weapons mistress was not sure whether or not to be pleased or offended.

Somehow, the brunette made her way to through the end of the story, managing to end the story with three happy, healthy little piggies and no "fucking roasted ham on a platter".

"You did well," Neji told her simply, when she was done. He realized, then, that he almost certainly should've kept his mouth shut, because Tenten cast a look so terrifying, she probably just out-glared Uchiha Madara.

"Fuck stories," she swore. Neji closed his mouth, then, trailing a good distance behind his teammate. When Tenten resorted to swearing, it meant that she was verbally attacking whatever it was that she wanted to slice to ribbons with a triumphant Soshouryuu, but was simply not allowed to.

* * *

"Tenten! Tenten! I read the story, _Goldilocks and the—_"

"I don't care, Lee." Tenten brandished a kunai to emphasize her point. Lee, confused, shut up and turned to Neji.

"Neji, Neji, aren't you enjoying this mission?!"

"No."

"Why not?!" Lee bounced in front of the Hyuuga, all smiles. Apparently, he'd gotten new shoes, because the shinobi-issued sandals squeaked cheerfully with their brand new soles and straps. The constant _squish-squeak_ of his toes was driving Tenten insane, but only the Hyuuga noticed.

"I—"

"Don't answer that question! Is it possible, that _you don't like children_?" demanded Lee.

_Oh, why Lee, how_ ever_ did you know?_ Neji thought to himself bitterly. He also didn't wish to face the wrath of Tenten in such a dangerous mood. On a similar note, he assumed she was having her time of the month, and was currently ten times as irritable as usual. He had seen Ino smack the living daylights out of Shikamaru for yawning one time, and Sakura was no exception. The current Naruto-Long-Distance-Punch record was so far, Neji couldn't even remember. He just knew that the poor jinchuuriki was vaulted thirty feet into the air, and was last seen sailing over the trees or restaurants or what have you.

No, the scariest things happened monthly in the Hyuuga household. It had gotten consecutively worse once Hanabi reached _that age_. It was at _that age_ that girls become scary. Seriously scary.

One time, their poor distant cousin Ko tripped over a hotpot cooker cable, and it pulled the entire thing off the table, resulting in boiling water splashing all over both Hinata and Hanabi. Contrary to popular belief, it was _not_ Hanabi who lashed out. Usually, the catlike Hyuuga girl was quick to ignite with a sharp tongue and a stiff glare. However, this time, she was late to the punch. Instead, Hinata took the initiative and scared the Byakugan out of everyone present.

"FUCK, KO!" she had suddenly screamed at her cousin, who paled and nearly fainted. The poor guy would have fallen, but Neji was behind him to place a steady hand on his shoulder. Okay, not so steady. Neji's hand was quaking in sheer disbelief.

Hiashi sort of just stared at his daughter, blinking several times, and then pretending that nothing had occurred. It developed to the point where he made himself believe that Hinata had never sworn in front of him, and any mention or reference to it was immensely frowned upon. Hinata had been extremely silent after that, with no indication that she had yelled, besides a sheepish apology to poor Ko.

All throughout dinner, everyone was silent. Hanabi had given her sister an approving pat on the shoulder before plugging the hotpot back in. And then, regular conversation continued on its way.

Another time, Hanabi had holed up in her room for an unknown reason, and Neji was tasked with bringing her the dinner she missed. Simple enough, one would think. But no, Neji knocked lightly, opened the door a crack, and slipped the food in. He recoiled just fast enough by instinct when Hanabi body-slammed the door shut. He had barely saved his fingers.

"DON'T OPEN THE DOOR UNLESS I SAY YOU CAN!" screeched the current 12-year-old. After that, Neji quickly fled the room when someone was asked to bring Hanabi food. Hinata, too.

* * *

"—which may result in…Neji, are you listening?" Lee waved a hand in front of the Hyuuga, lips pursed.

"Huh? Yeah, what?"

"Yeah, what, what?" parroted Lee.

"Seriously."

"You weren't paying attention."

"I was."

"No you weren't."

"Yes, I was."

"Liar."

"Am not."

"Am too."

"Am not."

"Am t—"

"SOSHOURYUU!" Tenten bonked them each on the head twice with a big metal ball, just hard enough to knock them out, but not hard enough to kill them. They'd be fine.

* * *

For the curious, Lee had been discussing their plan for the mission. While they were reading stories to the children, their real mission was to discover the culprit in the scene of a crime that had taken place in the last classroom down the school's last hallway. They were using the disguise as "teen volunteers" reading storybooks to the little kids to get closer to the scene, because of the teachers that were suspects. It was best not to alarm them, so they were touring the school making various presentations for kids of all ages—it ranged from that day's kindergarten storytelling to wild sex education for the students closer to their age (a topic which, as expected, Neji and Tenten refused to take…though Tenten was somehow dragged into it anyway).

"It's lunch time!" sang Lee.

"Wait, what do we have after lunch?" Tenten asked.

"_You_ have bracelet and charm making with the girls, and Neji and I are demonstrating ninja topics to the boys!"

_Why can't _I_ be in charge of ninja topics? I'm the weapons specialist…and why couldn't Ino be on this mission?! She could do the stupid bracelets!_

"Well, we also have to inspect the classroom." Lee's voice had lowered, and his expression became considerably more serious. "Neji, you know what to do."

A simple Byakugan check confirmed that the entire place was blocked off, and there was no sign of the living. The dead bodies had been removed and sent to autopsy, where it was revealed that blunt force trauma to the head with some heavy object had killed them. However, it wasn't just any object—further inspection detailed it as something long with a smaller end, which was used to push the victims harshly in the gut to initially injure them before beating them to death on the head.

"Motives?" asked Lee.

"None so far. Jealousy, perhaps?"

"I heard that the two people killed were having an affair, so that seems plausible," agreed Tenten. Lee had whipped out a small notepad, and his serious note-taking was almost unnerving. The way he switched from goofy to businesslike was uncanny.

"Excuse me, but no one's allowed over here." They glanced up to see a plump woman teacher gesturing towards the cafeteria. Lee laughed lightly, apologized, claimed they were sort of lost, and ambled casually in the direction he was pointed in.

"Tenten, are you hungry, or what?" Lee asked, when Tenten stormed ahead. She didn't look back, further baffling the green beast, but Neji placed a hand on the boy's shoulder and shook his head.

"She might bite your head off, be careful," he warned as sincerely as possible. To his surprise, he received an amused smirk.

"And you would know?"

* * *

Tenten hated to admit it, but somewhere deep inside of her, her girly self really enjoyed doing the girly things that girls do, activities that she'd refrained from participating in as a child, because she thought they made her weak. The fact that all the third and fourth graders crowded around her and clamored about how much they _loved _and _adored_ that pretty silver bracelet she had on made Tenten all the happier. It was a simple, thin silver chain adorned with the smallest diamond designs, inlaid was a jade dragon snaking its way around her wrist.

"Where'd you get it, where'd you get it?!" the girls demanded. By this point, the older girls had noticed the commotion and now, they too were leaning over Tenten, inspecting the jewelry.

"Oooh, that's _pretty_," a girl around Hanabi's age cooed. The middle school kids and high school kids had mixed together, and they took turns turning Tenten's wrist over. The older girl prided herself for her one beautiful piece of jewelry that day.

"That's _so cute_," a 14-year-old told her admiringly. "Where'd you get it?"

"I got it for my birthday," Tenten explained, blushing slightly.

"Who gave it to you?!" came the quick reply. It was getting harder and harder to answer their myriad of questions, but the most frequently asked ones were answered. They continuously demanded to know who gave it to her—mom, dad, sister, best friend…

"My, um, boyfriend gave it to me," she stammered out at last. A collective gasp and a collective "awww" followed closely.

"That's _so _sweet," the same 14-year-old gushed. "And it's _expensive_, too, I bet!"

Tenten didn't say anything about the sender being part of an old, prestigious clan of Konoha. She vaguely remembered their one fireworks contest one year, where Team Kurenai had nearly blasted away the competition with their Hyuuga-funded contraption. Why Neji didn't receive any support, Tenten never asked.

"What's your boyfriend's name? Do you have a picture? Let's see, is he _cute_?"

"Umm…."

"Seriously! Show us, show us," the girls chimed. Tenten hesitantly pulled out her small wallet, where she kept, deep in one of the inner pockets, a picture of Neji. She would never admit or dare show him that she kept a picture of him at all times; it was something that she would only pull out when depressed or discouraged.

The older girls turned her wrist so that they could see the picture. Another round of gasps and "ooooh's" and "aahhh's".

"Ohmigawd, he's, like, so hot," an older girl exclaimed. "You're so lucky. What's his name?"

"Neji…"

"Score, girl!"

"Hey, I think Ten-chan's pretty," an elementary student called out. "If she let down her hair, I think she'd be more prettier!"

The older girls stepped back and considered. The one 14-year-old sat behind Tenten and touched one of her ribbons cautiously.

"May I?"

"Um…sure?" Tenten let the girl pull her hair down, and yet _another _round of awed gasps echoed through the crowd of girls.

"You've got the _prettiest hair_."

"You've got such _big, pretty eyes_."

"Oh my gosh, I'd kill for your eyebrows, they're _lovely_."

Random comments began spouting just from her hair cascading down over her shoulders.

Tenten touched her face self-consciously; she remembered when she was called "unibrow girl" for a short period of time when her eyebrows, thicker than those of most girls, had grown especially rough during the eighth grade. Now, they were still thick, but rather than unruly, they were full and shaped.

Rather than make bracelets, now the schoolgirls were dead-set on doing Tenten's hair and makeup and having fun with a makeover. Tenten didn't object, but rather secretly enjoyed it. In school, she had never been called pretty. The popular girls in the Ninja Academy called her the tomboy, the manly one of the group. To have the younger girls now admire her was truly…a new experience.

From Hashirama-knows-where, the girls whipped out hair curlers, straightening irons, eyelash curlers, mascara, eyeliner, lip gloss, eye shadow, a blow dryer…

All the feminine necessities of life were laid out in front of Tenten's widened eyes.

The girls were halfway through their makeover—makeup was pretty much finished, and now for the hair—when Lee sent Neji to check on Tenten. It did not go the other way around, because that would've left the male students with a stoic, glaring Hyuuga, and that was no fun at all.

"Tenten, Lee told me to—" Neji froze in the middle of the doorway, staring at Tenten through the middle of a hoard of girls.

"NO WAYYYY!" squealed the one curling Tenten's hair.

"Wait, is _that him_?" demanded another, bouncing in her seat. Tenten's sudden blush answered them all, and a deafening group scream scared Neji half to death.

"—ask you if you…were doing, uh, okay..."

The mass of girls turned doe-eyed and stared at him with sparkles in their vision. Neji contemplated whether to run away, stand there like an idiot, or do something…erm, manly? Now the girls' gazes were bouncing back and forth between Neji and Tenten, as if they were watching a tennis match. When Tenten didn't squeak "help!" or issue any death glares, Neji supposed it was safe to assume that she was fine.

"I'll…check back later…" He mouthed to her afterwards, _What the hell?_

Tenten only smiled enigmatically, leaving the Hyuuga genius to mull over what had just happened. As he made his way down the hall, he could still hear the few "kyaa" and "awww" noises that the girls suddenly chimed out as soon as he stepped outside the room, and then "he's _so sweet!_" rang among many voices. Tenten's light laughter rang above it all, which comforted Neji, though the circumstances were still bizarre.

She had looked divine, though, he thought suddenly…

* * *

Now, fast-forward to the end of this mission, and you'll find that the culprit was indeed, a jealous teacher who had had an affair with another staff member. She used her handy-dandy umbrella to give her coworkers a few pokes and jabs and vicious whacks to the head, and then she'd fled the scene. Crime solved.

However, there remained one of the greatest mysteries to be solved.

"Tenten, why are there…_sparkles_, on your eyes?" Lee was currently the Sherlock Holmes to this investigation, while Neji had unwillingly been forced into his Watson position. "Watson, what do _you_ think?"

Neji had, indeed, been thinking of the sparkles—they made for a rather interesting touch—but he held his tongue. Recently, Tenten had become the one subject where his tight, Hyuuga tongue slipped often. One time, he blurted that her hair was "really super shiny do you use shampoo um I mean wait I um what shampoo?!" whilst grabbing her by the shoulders. Then he quickly withdrew, lifting his hands from her shoulders and rubbing his nose awkwardly.

Another time, Hanabi, who knew just about everything if she put her mind to observing it, deviously timed her plot during a "Hinata's time of the month" period. She also happened to observe Tenten walking to the Hyuuga complex with her cousin Neji, and found this rather intriguing. Upon seeing him quickly glance about and plant a chaste kiss to her lips, light as a feather, before she left, Hanabi cackled inwardly and set to making a terrible, terrible plan.

Terrible — no, it wasn't a faulty plan — as in the persons involved were doomed.

"Hinata-nee," she asked at dinner shortly after, "if you had a boyfriend—"

"No."

"Let me finish. If you had a boyfriend, would you walk _him_ home or would he walk _you_ home?" Hanabi asked smugly.

"That's a silly question, Hanabi," Hinata told her lightly. "Of course the boy would walk the girl home."

Usually, Hinata would've answered meekly along the lines of "Oh, yes, the boy would, um….escort…her…"

But her opinions were clearly voiced, and she spoke at a brisk, clear clip. To offend her or argue her message would be blasphemy — it would also be your doom.

"Why do you ask?" Hinata continued.

"Oh, no reason, _nothing at all_," Hanabi sang nonchalantly, poking snow pea with her chopsticks and subtly glancing Neji's way across the table. The older Hyuuga remained stoic and unrelenting, his face a stone.

"Spit it, Hanabi." Hinata set her glass of water down a bit too firmly, and it hit the wood table rather hard. Hiashi didn't even blink; he recalled Neji's mother, who would always set things down far too forcefully, a smirk on her face (Hizashi never batted an eyelash). Somehow, his own wife had picked it up, and now, lo and behold, Hinata was doing it (albeit only sometimes).

"I told you, it's nothing," the younger girl insisted.

"Spit. Don't gargle."

"I dunno, ask Neji."

The moment PMS-Hinata's eyes settled on Neji, the male stiffened visibly. Hiashi sighed as quietly as he could, just in case that death glare so similar to the older women of the Hyuuga turned on him, instead. Hinata, however, focused only on one thing, and that, at the moment, happened to be poor Neji.

"Well?" Hinata—who at this point could easily be mistaken for Road to Ninja Hinata—nodded at Neji, a signal to continue.

"Hn." Neji uncomfortably brushed some of his hair behind his shoulder, wondering whether or not to pick up some food or just sit there. He seemed to have body language and next-step dilemmas often, though no one really knew that.

"Don't _hn_ me, answer the question."

"What question?"

"Don't play dumb."

Hinata was getting seriously terrifying. If this was the power of the strange, alien pulls of the month, then Neji was horribly glad he was a man. Even if Lee dressed him up in a skirt and jewels, and subjected him to painful cross-dressing torture, he would retain his manliness with constant objections and the victorious ripping of the clothes, among other things.

"What's this about boyfriends and girlfriends, and what does it have to do with you?" Hinata voiced, sighing exasperatedly.

"Ah. I don't quite know what Hanabi was _talking about_." The last words were stressed with a glare aimed at the younger Hyuuga girl, but she busied herself with some bean-curd rolls.

"Uh huh. When Hanabi talks, everyone knows what she's talking about," Hinata sniffed.

"You don't."

Hinata glared so fiercely then, that Neji nearly dropped his utensils and fled the room. Her determined face during the chuunin exams was one thing—but hey, they were hardly even teenagers back then—but this was a nightmare. Neji wouldn't admit it, but he was secretly afraid of the supernatural. That one time with the ghost in the armor in the Bird Country with Naruto and Tenten, he was secretly just as terrified as Naruto. He would never show it, though. Anyway, Hinata was scaring him even more than those ghosts, but he kept a relatively straight face and swallowed a piece of meat forcefully.

Hanabi felt immense glee at the slight crook in Neji's eyebrow, and nearly unnoticeable "I'm-stuck!" sort of expression that pulled at his lips. It takes a Hyuuga to read another one, and Hanabi was a pro. Her own father monitored his body language signs extremely carefully to prevent Hanabi from reading his intentions like a book.

"Okay, when Hanabi talks, it depends on who she's going to kill."

That was the bluntest way of putting things, and it certainly held true. Hanabi grinned evilly at Neji, whose eye twitched.

"I'm going to go off on a branch and assume that you have a girlfriend?" Ko suddenly voiced, from down the table. Their older cousin offered a kind smile towards Neji, whose eye twitched again.

"That was a great pun, Ko," Hanabi deadpanned. "But I think it's 'go out on a limb', or something like that."

Now Ko was confused, and he immediately began to back out. He knew full well the consequences of getting caught in one of Hanabi's spontaneously laid nets of doom.

"I'm going to pull you into the Main House, Ko," continued Hanabi in the same, nearly monotone, slightly sarcastic voice. "And tell you that you are correct."

Ko flushed slightly at the reference to the Branch and Main Houses.

Hinata, on the other hand, took the bait.

"Spit it out, Neji. Who is it?"

"Manly," Hanabi suddenly blurted. They all looked at her strangely.

"Manly?" echoed Hinata dubiously.

"His special person is manly. Very strong. Nice buns."

Neji's eye twitched, matching the upward lift of Hanabi's mouth into a Hyuuga smirk. At this point, everyone at the table was now staring at Neji, probably with the wrong idea in mind.

_Did Hanabi just insinuate that I'm homosexual?_

Neji took a few seconds to think this over, while the 12-year-old grinned to herself.

"Wait, wait, hold on," Hinata said, shaking her head. "You're _gay_?"

A few suppressed snickers in the room, Hanabi nearly rolling off her chair, Ko holding a hand over his mouth, and Hiashi staring at his plate, as if all was right in the world (though he vaguely pitied his nephew).

"And according to Hanabi, your boyfriend is _hot_?" Hinata said. She turned to Hanabi. "Nice buns, you said?"

"_Very_," Hanabi sniggered.

_Kill me now_, Neji groaned inwardly. However, unfortunately for Neji, his slippery mouth would soon act against his favor, and lead to his demise.

By the time Neji had thought up a good response, Hanabi had passed along the message with a look of mock surprise on her face.

"Wait, wait, Neji, I didn't know you swung that way," called one of the Branch cousins, Hikaru. Just a few years older than Neji, he often poked fun at the more stoic, unconcerned Hyuuga.

"I don't."

"Hanabi said ya did."

"Hanabi's lying."

"Oh, buddy, be careful. Don't want her to rip your throat out." Hikaru chuckled nervously and eyed the heiress's younger sister with caution. When he was finally sure that no sharp items would be tossed his way, he leaned back in his chair languidly, an amused smirk settling on his features.

"Oh, I won't be the only one whose throat gets ripped out," Neji muttered under his breath.

"So, who's the lucky guy?" Hikaru pursued.

"I told you, it's not a guy."

"Oh, so there _is _a special someone!" Hikaru chirped. He winked and Hanabi, who openly leaned over to fist bump with him.

"No, you've got it all wrong, I–"

"Let's start naming people," suggested Hikaru. Hinata took his as her cue to take over, and to Neji, it was as if Satan had descended upon them. If Neji didn't believe that Akatsuki could send over Hinata from a parallel universe, even when Naruto yelled "BELIEVE IT" in his ear – after a mysterious disappearance – he believed it now.

"Could it be…Lee?"

"NO." That was just outrageous.

"Ah. I see, Neji-nii-san, you're _also after Naruto_," Hinata accused. The fact that these words left her mouth just as readily as one would say "Please pass the dressing" was altogether terrifying.

"No, Hinata-sama, I am _not._ I would never, um…"

"Never what?"

"I told you, I'm not gay!"

The entire table went silent. Even though only a few Main House and Branch were present, the inevitable giggles from adults, even, resounded in the dangerously silent room. Neji's pale eyes turned to his uncle for assistance, but Hiashi failed to support the boy. Inwardly, the Hyuuga clan head knew how his poor nephew was feeling, but this was something that the boy had to conquer on his own. He would say nothing – partly because he wanted to watch the show – until Neji defeated the girls' dastardly plan.

_Uncle! _Neji sent mentally. But again, his uncle calmly sipped his tea and then said, simply,

"Hinata, please pass the dressing."

_GRAAHHHHHH_.

Neji inwardly screamed. This was far too much for him, and from the look on Hanabi's face, it was nowhere near over.

"_Sureeee_ you aren't," Hinata drawled. Ko shook his head when the Hyuuga heiress twirled her chopsticks in Neji's direction, while Hanabi continued giggling.

"So, who is it?" prompted Hanabi, the ultimate question.

"I—uh—well—"

"I already _know_ who it is," Hanabi told him lightly. "But we'd all like to hear you tell us, of course."

"I'm not at liberty to say."

"Oh really?"

"I'm not about to—"

"OH MY GOSH IT'S TENTEN." Hinata abruptly stood up, chair screeching backwards. "NO WAY, NEJI-NII-SAN."

Everyone just stared at her, and a few sniggered again. Most likely, everyone in the Hyuuga household save a few of the older people and Hinata (plus Hanabi until earlier that day) knew that it was Tenten. After all, it wasn't like they ignored the fact that she walked home with him every day.

"The _nerve_, Neji," Hikaru piped up, in mock disappointment. "Your lady walks you home _every day_. It should be the other way around if you want to be manly."

"I'm not sure where your definition of manly is coming from, but Tenten is—"

"Aha! It _is Tenten!_" Hinata's trick of naming a random person (Tenten was the first to come to mind) had proved successful.

"Wait, what?"

"I'm going to tell Ino, and you know what happens when you tell Ino things?"

"I'm not sure I want to know."

"By the end of the day, the _Hokage _will know about it."

"Ah. That's why I didn't ask you, specifically, Hinata-sama, because I didn't want to know."

"Neji-nii-san, you're doomed," giggled Hanabi.

"Tenten and I are—"

"Yeesh, boy, Tenten's more manly than you!" Hikaru remarked. "You know, if us Hyuuga boys had half a mind, we'd steal her from you in a heartbeat."

At this, Neji's jaw went slightly slack as he stared incredulously at his cousin. Hikaru justified his reasoning.

"It's true, man! But you're so stuck up about everything that you see _nothing under your nose!_ Seriously, Neji? The catcalls and the waves? _It's all us_."

"Hyuugaception," Hanabi randomly threw in.

"How is that Hyuugaception?" Hinata argued. "Unless it was a Byakugan within a Byakugan within a _Sharingan _within a Byakugan—"

"Okay, okay, enough!" Neji declared, refusing to listen to more Hyuugaception and the fact that his cousins, apparently, were onto him. He could vaguely see Tenten dressed up as a cowgirl, yelling at him to run. Why that image came to his mind, he had no idea.

"Say it, then."

"Say what?"

"Say it," stressed Hanabi.

"Tenten and I are dating! Okay! End!" Neji held up his hands, and began to add, "It's not like we do anything—"

"—YOU DO INAPPROPRIATE THINGS IN YOUR ROOM EWWW NEJI-NII-SAN!" shouted Hanabi. "SERIOUSLY I LIVE UPSTAIRS! DON'T KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT PLEASE!"

"I-I do not, Tenten and I do _not_ do i-inappropriate things in my room, hey, wait a minute!" Neji stammered, before spluttering out, "What are you talking about Tenten is a virgin!"

And _then_ the Hyuuga table seriously went silent.

"And _that_ was Hyuugaception." Hanabi nodded triumphantly.

* * *

"I, um, think that Tenten just wanted to try something out?" The question that lilted his voice made Lee turn to him suddenly.

"Hyuuga Neji, did you just say _'um'_?!" Lee exclaimed. "I didn't know you could stutter!"

A snarky smile, and then Lee avoided an angry strike of Neji's Jyuuken. Tenten sighed and adjusted her pack on her shoulders. It was good that Gai-sensei wasn't here, but Lee alone was overwhelming enough. Lee continued harassing the poor Hyuuga about his usually stoic, assured-sounding voice. Neji would never hear the end of it. Luckily for him, that one incident at the Hyuuga dinner table never got out, hence why the rest of the Konoha 12 plus Sai had no idea what had occurred. Hanabi and Hinata never uttered a word, partially because Hanabi rarely interacted with the Konoha 12…plus Sai, and Hinata had been too embarrassed by her un-Hinata-like conduct that night. And so, the only one who would ever suspect anything (so far) was a partially insane Uchiha Sasuke who looked just a little bit insane at all times, even whilst holding fluffy bunnies and offering a bouquet of flowers to Sakura (if that ever happened, of course).

"Neji, I shall tell Gai-sensei that you are human!" Lee shouted happily. Tenten wasn't quite sure what this meant, but left it to the green-clad boy to deal with.

"I seriously have no idea why I'm on a team with you two," she sighed, shaking her head slightly. Neji threw her an insulted look that pouted, _Hey, what about me? _Lee, on the other hand, laughed energetically and skipped ahead.

"Hey, hey, we're near that curry place!" He jerked his thumb towards the shop they'd stopped by that one time, with Naruto, during the face-off with Raiga, one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist (who inherited swords passed down from Ameyuri Ringo).

And that began a bout of endless youthful stories.

Plus more Hyuuga flashbacks. For some reason, Neji recalled the one time he had stumbled upon Hanabi braiding Moegi's impossibly gravity-defying hair. He'd backed away slowly, expecting the Hyuuga girl to murder him or something just as terrifying. However, Hanabi held up a ribbon and asked,

"Wanna learn? You can braid Tenten's hair."

* * *

Oh my gosh, Hanabi's evil! She seems fun, though.

Lol. Oh Neji.

Anyway, the author is tired, but wants to write a funny idea that popped up for Tobirama.

She is also contemplating whether or not to tell you that ROAD TO NINJA IN THREE MONTHS YEAH WHOOOO!

Oh wait, just told you. Anyone else excited for the movie?!

I am. Though just the idea of clumsy!Tenten, pervert!Neji, sassy!Hinata, depressed!Lee, dark!Menma/Naruto, emo-ish!Ino, cat!Kiba, lacking-art-skill!Sai, playboy!Sasuke, plus many more, is already quite the terrifying thought. Especially pervert!Neji.

:)


	3. Horsing Around, Making Bets

Huh. Don't really know where this came from. Oh well.

**Disclaimer: **Naruto is not mine, because Neji is alive in my world. Forever alive. FOREVER. And I also ship NejiTen because it's completely noncanon, and they look hella good together.

Thanks guys, for the reviews on Adventures of Obito! You really make my day. :)

* * *

**Chapter 3: ****Horsing Around, Making Bets**

"I _swear_ I'm being productive!" Naruto whined, ducking from behind the stall door. The currently distressed, blonde jinchuuriki cowered behind the door to the harness room, trying to get out of Tenten's line of aim.

"Oh _really_?!" hissed the weapons mistress, her fingers curling, itching to grab a scroll and beat the living daylights out of the idiotic Uzumaki. She, Naruto, Neji, Lee, and Yamato, of all people, had been sent on a D-rank mission to…brush fine racehorses.

Tenten didn't mind it, really. She had nothing against horses, and thought them beautiful creatures. Hey, even _Neji_ enjoyed the presence of the sleek, elegant Thoroughbreds contently munching on their oats and hay. Lee was vigorously turning dusty mares into sparkling beauties, his cries of determination often spooking the horses instead of "encouraging them to become more shiny", whatever that meant. Captain Yamato remained silent, wide-eyed, whilst currying the poor pony he'd happened to grow fond of.

But Naruto, oh great sage master Naruto, could not do a single thing without messing it up one way or the other. And it wasn't his fault, really. He had an ulterior motive going, here, thanks to losing a bet and letting the girls decide on his punishment while Sasuke looked on smugly, Kiba sniggered, Shino explained very carefully why he'd lost, and Akamaru barked. Chouji had continued munching his chips furiously, while Shikamaru could've cared less.

With Lee and Yamato on this mission, it seemed that Naruto was either going to fail the girls' assigned job for him, or he was going to need an extension.

The last conversation he'd had with the Konoha 11, minus Tenten, Neji, and Lee, had gone along the lines of:

"So what do I do, shove them in a closet together?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," Sakura had answered.

"Well, I don't know, spice it up a bit," suggested Ino. "You're perverted, you can think of something."

"Hey!" Naruto snapped, but was cut off.

"I don't really care if you turn off the lights and throw them on top of each other, just do it! And there have to be _results_, or else the whole thing doesn't count," Ino continued. She smiled at her own idea, satisfied.

"How do we know they're not already together?" Naruto whined.

"We have spies," Sakura deadpanned. "_Everywhere_."

"How would you know if I failed?"

"We have spies," Sakura repeated, eyes narrowing. "_Everywhere_."

At this, Naruto felt a shy pair of eyes alight on the back of his head, and he whipped around to find Hinata entering the ramen shop, tentatively waiting to see if they'd invite her over. Naruto grinned and waved her to their end of the shop, nodding eagerly.

"Hey, Hinata-chan, tell them that Neji and panda-girl are already together, yeah?" Naruto smiled encouragingly.

"Well, um—"

"Don't harp on the poor girl just because they're cousins!" Sakura scolded.

"It's not like she stalks them," simpered Ino, eyes narrowing so that she and Sakura looked somewhat identical. Their condescending glare reminded Naruto of Tsunade, and he cowered, not wanting to be punched through a wall.

"Why doesn't she stalk them?" Shino buzzed. "That's because, Hinata is respectful of—"

"Why don't we change the deal and have Naruto stay in the Hyuuga complex and see if weird noises—oh yeah, you know the ones I mean—come from Neji's room?" Kiba interrupted rather cheerfully. Shino sulked visibly.

"Um, I'm pretty sure he might die if he did that," Sakura sighed.

"Wait, who said anything about dying?!" whimpered Naruto, hands held up in front of his chest defensively. "Are there like, ghosts in the Hyuuga complex that'll possess me and leave my own soul wandering eternally?! W-w-what if Neji's dad possesses me and I start stalking Neji?! WHAT IF—"

"Oh shut up," Shikamaru droned, "you're so troublesome."

"Ghosts don't exist," Chouji said through munches. He finished another bag of chips, tossed them in the nearby trash can, and whipped another one out of nowhere.

"They _do!_" insisted Naruto, nearly shrieking.

"Just shut up," Sakura snapped. The blonde shut up.

"Well, why would Naruto die? That's because—"

"Wouldn't old man Hyuuga slaughter him if he saw Naruto anywhere near Hinata at suspiciously late hours?" blurted Kiba, cutting off his Aburame teammate a second time.

"Um," Hinata began. She never finished. Shino felt a deep connection with his shy, Hyuuga teammate.

"I _told _you, that plan _wouldn't work_," Ino said, rolling her eyes. Sasuke snorted in the background, a smirk pulling at his mouth.

"Just throw them on top of each other," he said, waving nonchalantly at the fox boy. Naruto glared, but agreed anyway.

"Can't guarantee anything," he mumbled.

"That's pretty true," Ino supposed, musing. "Tenten likes keeping missions straight, and Neji's pretty much an idiot with romantic clues, so…"

Ino patted Naruto on the shoulder.

"Good luck!"

* * *

And he would need all the luck he could get, because at the moment, he was nowhere near his goal. Currently, Lee was pulling at the edges of his eyes, and then rolling his eyeballs up into his head, exclaiming "Bya-ku-gannn!" in a horribly deep, exaggerated voice that could've been used in a horror movie (either that, or he sounded terribly constipated). Neji smacked the back of his head, simultaneously with Tenten.

"Ow, ow! What if my eyes were stuck that way?!" cried Lee, horrified.

"Hn," came the regular Hyuuga answer. It went something along the lines of: _No one would care, Lee. Except maybe Gai-sensei._

"Hey guys, can we take a break?" Naruto asked as politely as he could. His patience was wearing thin, but he was trying to get Lee and Yamato out of the way.

"You haven't _done anything!_" screeched Tenten, chasing Naruto with a crossbow, which she pulled seemingly out of nowhere.

_Oh, I get it now! Chouji summons potato chips via space-time summoning ninjutsu!_

"Oh crap," Naruto cringed, pushing all irrelevant thoughts out of his friends out of his head. Ah, but this was part of his plan, you see, because contrary to popular opinion, Naruto was _not _an idiot (most of the time, anyway). The blonde sprinted out of the barn, causing a few horses to balk nervously. He ignored the animals and lured Tenten to the more secluded foaling barn, where there were only a few pregnant mares milling about in the large, airy stalls.

_Gotcha!_

In a display of incredible skill, Naruto sidestepped Tenten, as if luring a bull in a bullring, struck her at the base of her head, knocking her out, and locking her in a second harness room.

"Yeah! Got her!" he cheered to himself. And then, he realized, that he now had the problem of getting Neji in there too. He groaned.

* * *

"Where's Tenten?" The Hyuuga eyes that bore into Naruto were so intense that he wanted to crawl into a hole. There was no hole, but however, he was able to duck behind a pretty black gelding that bobbed his head and drooled on Naruto's shoulder.

"I dunno, she hit me on the head and then stormed away. I passed out for a few minutes," Naruto explained. He vaguely gestured to the bump formed on his head, a cover-up device created by ramming himself painfully against a tree, and actually passing out for a minute or two. Poor thing, yet such a great actor. Naruto thought, proudly to himself, that he was rather good at this—though he'd never hold a candle to Obito, of course.

"Did you see where she went?"

"Uh. That side barn over there?"

"The foaling barn?"

"Uh, yeah, I think so, -ttebayo."

"NARUTO-KUN! LOOK AT THIS!"

At Lee's call, Naruto was out of the black horse's stall and sprinting down the aisle, despite Yamato's creepy stare and Neji's glower. The Hyuuga, however, made his way to find Tenten in the foaling barn.

* * *

When Tenten came to, she was in a dark, musty space, with a small, clouded window and a few visible horsey items in sight. What the heck was that? Why did Naruto just throw her in here and—

She had no time to contemplate, because a second after she got her bearings, the door whipped open, and a struggling Hyuuga was thrown backwards right on top of her, and the door was slammed shut again. Oh, and locked from the outside.

"Hey, Naruto!" both Tenten and Neji screamed at the same time. And then, Neji realized that he was literally sprawled on top of Tenten, almost crushing her, and Naruto sniggered to himself and snuck away.

Kiba owed him fifty bucks, plus interest from a previous bet.

* * *

Comments, questions, burning concerns?!

SECRET DESIRES?!


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